Anxiety over Anxiety

Well, time is running out in the afternoon and I have tons I want to do . . .laundry, folding, getting the house ready for gym this evening. And blogging has become such a low priority!! But oh how I long to reflect. My little squirt is growing up so darn quickly, it’s easy to lose sight of it all. And I’m not doing a good job at all of keeping up with the dates of when he does what. For instance, he’s been sitting (sort of) for the past few days without help and I have no idea exactly when it started. I just know that a few days go by and something is new with him. It’s just amazing.

So now to actually reflect and try to remember a date. Yesterday was the first day that L truly demonstrated separation anxiety. It is an amazing thing to witness the event of separation anxiety, that utter longing for mom and the anger a baby has at not having her at that very moment. I never thought I’d feel so bad and in need to just hold my child!

He was doing so well yesterday – went to his grandparents’ house for the day and pretty much drank like crazy, really enjoyed his day there. I got home there around 5:30 and was working on feeding him and preparing for a dinner outing we attended, when he fell asleep, so I gently put him in his crib, figured we wouldn’t take him with us on the outing after all, and headed out with my husband T. No more than ten minutes passed when we received a phone call from my mom, that L was crying and crying in hunger. We said she could try and feed him, but it turned out that he just kept on crying and wouldn’t eat. We called later to invite mom to bring the baby to the dinner we were at and she was only too happy. It turns out that once he was packed up and in the car, he stopped crying immediately and once he got to us I met with a smiling happy baby. He was hot outside at the dinner with us, but continued to be happy as I held him, and as the evening settled into nightfall we sent him home with my mom. So I packed him up in the car and beaming at me, he left with mom.

We stayed and had some ice cream and started to head home after about 30 minutes or so, when we received a call from mom. L had been crying since he had left the party and had not stopped for an instant. I was so surprised but we headed home quickly and I came into the door to see two great aunts and two grandparents doing everything in their power to soothe the little tyke. I reached down and scooped him into my arms and held him out in front of me so he could see, hear, feel, smell that it was me and the crying suddenly stopped.

He was happy and giggling again. Then my dad circled around me to see L’s face and again he started to howl! No, no, I said little L, you are with mama, it’s ok, and he settled down. T tested it by picking him up and holding him, but all the while L was reaching his arms out to me. I felt quite special as a mom, I must say. The feeling is irreplaceable to know that a child just plain wants YOU and nobody else.

But the guilt also settles in. This morning I could tell he was upset I was going away. He reached out his arms, grasped me, whined a little bit, and oh how difficult it was to leave for work! He was totally fine the whole day but it is amazing how dramatically and quickly that separation anxiety settles in, and how much tighter it makes my bond with my son.